Fun in the Wasteland
Gingrich Beats Obama; Republicans Win House and Senate
by Lindsey Orwood
New York Times Staff Writer
Monday, November 5, 2012; Page A01
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Crowds cheered last night as Newt Gingrich won the presidency in a landslide. Victorious in at least 37 states alongside a new Republican majority in the Senate, the 68-year-old former Speaker predicted that the landslide marks “the beginning of a new era in American politics, free from corruption, socialism, and incompetence,” with, “that new progress and prosperity that all Americans deserve.”
The President-elect spoke in Atlanta after the results were confirmed, stressing the need for security, fiscal conservatism, and protection of ‘job-creators’ in the coming year. “We are threatened on all sides,” he claimed, “and it’s time for true Americans to stand up for what’s right.”
Barack Obama graciously conceded victory, speaking from the Oval Office. “The American people have chosen Mr. Gingrich to take them forward, and he will have my support in unifying the nation. This has been a difficult year for the American people, and I have served them as best I could. I am confident if constructive leaders from both our parties are willing to work together, we can embark on a better future for all. I love this country and will continue to beckon it to a higher standard.” The President added that Gingrich will have to focus on helping the country’s poorest to ensure prosperity.
Critics have expressed concern in the past over the nomination of a man who believed that “public officials at every level are prohibited from saying, ‘Merry Christmas,’” that food stamps can be used for “trips to Hawaii,” and in Sarah Palin’s death panels. More cynical commentators claim that this victory will “finally get the Republicans off their asses to do something productive,” now that their modus operandi won’t involve making the president look bad. Whatever this victory brings in, we can be sure that America is headed in a starkly new direction.