2016 News

Serelucidol Takes the World by Storm

by Daniel Hayworth
New York Post Science Columnist
Saturday, January 16, 2016

Municipal governments across the country have contracted with Pfizer to put Sarah-Lucy in the water supply. Given the reduction in crime rates and surge in economic prosperity that comes with the drug’s adoption, the rest will surely follow. Coke and Pepsi among others have announced their own lines of bottled water with the drug included. Stores can hardly keep the stuff on their shelves.

It’s clear that serelucidol is veritably the best thing since sliced bread, yet some people still oppose use of the drug. Among them are religious wackos, flower children, and anarcho-libertarians, who say the drug is “unnatural” and therefore somehow unhealthy…

Newt Gingrich Crushes Rahm Emanuel in 48 States

by Robert Halton
New York Post Staff Writer
Saturday, November 5, 2015

Last night President Newt Gingrich won the largest presidential victory in the history of America, with a staggering turnout rate of 90%… [conservative fanboy masturbation]

New Seasonal Flu May Cause Dementia, Other Mental Abnormalities

by Daniel Hayworth
New York Post Science Columnist
Saturday, December 17, 2016

H6N2, the latest influenza virus, has left doctors worried as more and more patients exhibit mental symptoms. While some have become very glib, charismatic, and even sociopathic, others have simply become disoriented and demented, unable to tell reality from fiction. As the virus has demonstrated an unusually high infection rate and incubation period, this represents a global concern.

The extreme mental symptoms contrast with the virus’ minimal physical symptoms, but even more striking is the hypothesis by some researchers that these symptoms only occur in subjects who regularly ingest the popular supplement serelucidol.

This finding came after an enterprising scientist examined the virus’ spread through control cells and those with the drug in injected in them. He found that the virus, in addition to carrying the RNA necessary for reproduction, also includes a plasmid that produces an enzyme which, further tests have shown, reverses the chirality of serelucidol. This change in structure causes radically different effects than the original molecule, making the infected brain highly unstable…

…Madagascar has closed its borders for fear of letting the virus in…

…President Newt Gingrich has said that the virus’ specific effects may mean that it was created by enemy bioengineers to attack America…

…so please do all you can to prevent the spread of this very dangerous disease.

2016 News

Fun in the Wasteland scantics